Before: I will of course need to define what I mean by yoga, and what I mean by yoga use in the classroom. Skeptical readers will undoubtedly bring some important concerns to this piece about the applicability of yoga in the actual classroom; logistics, student resistance, administrative misgivings, cultural conceptions (and misconceptions) of yoga all present problems to a yoga-based writing pedagogy. This paper will address a few of these concerns and problems, although admittedly I will not be able to answer all of them.
After: Skeptical readers will undoubtedly bring some important concerns to this piece about the applicability of yoga in the actual classroom. Logistics, student resistance, administrative misgivings, and the cultural conceptions (and misconceptions) of yoga all present strong oppositions to a yoga-based writing pedagogy. This paper will address a few of these concerns and problems, although admittedly I will not be able to answer all of them.
Commentary: Like the student I helped with paragraphs yesterday, I am including too much in this paragraph, and in the wrong order. This original was an awkward spot, where I confuse my poor reader’s expectations. I jump from talking about how I will need to define yoga to an anticipation of my reader’s skepticism. What I have here is a level 1/2 sentence, then a confusing level 1 sentence which uses a subordinate clause as a level 2 sentence, then I have a sentence that tries to get me back to level 1 before I move onto the real meaty level 3, 4 and 5 sentences in which I begin describing theory in the remainder of the paragraph (I didn't work with them here, for the sake of brevity). I took out the sentence about defining yoga; my reader will be able to read this early in the next section. I also worked with the rhythm of the sentences by breaking up the first long sentence and let an adverbial of emphasis (all) take over the rhythm reins of the second level 2 sentence. My third sentence is an attempt at some meta-discourse to guide my reader back to the problem at hand; it tells my reader that I am aware of where they want me to go, and I will do my best to get us there. The rest of the paragraph gives them the game plan for approaching and arguing within that skepticism (ie. with sound theory to back up these assertions).
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Removing that first sentence also takes away the sense I had from the original draft that this was a proposal and moves us into full paper mode.
ReplyDeletemuch more organic structure. the repetition of "will" throughout the original slows the paragraph down and distracts from what you *are* actually saying (as opposed to what you *will* be saying).
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