Here is a passage from the critical writing draft I submitted last week. It comes right after the interview quote from Slavin.

Old: These comments make the rationale for Slavin’s authorial decisions abundantly clear. Because metaphor was able to capture the emotional pain of dealing with a loved one’s illness most clearly and aptly, Slavin literalized the metaphor through a magical twisting of reality in order to translate her experience into language.

After reading Kolln, I paid close attention to my verb choice. Kolln says that a “well-chosen verb not only heightens the drama of a sentence and makes its meaning clear, it also sends a message to the reader that the writer has crafted the sentence carefully, that the idea matters” (145). The verb in the first sentence “make clear” seems wimpy. In fact, the whole construction of the first sentence seems clunky and verbose. In the second sentence, I’ve got that pesky “to be” construction that Kolln warns us not to overuse. And the prepositional phrase “in order to” gives the second sentence what Kolln calls an “ungraceful rhythm” and a “lack of focus” (153). Here’s how I reworked those two sentences.

New: Slavin’s comments elucidate her authorial decisions manifestly. Since metaphor
captures the painful experience of enduring a loved one’s illness so aptly, Slavin exploits the power of metaphor, literalizing it through a magical twisting of reality. Slavin thus transforms what seems inexpressible into language.