Making Hannah's Sentence do MORE

This is from a paper I just wrote for Victorian Lit. The NEW paragraph features change commentary in italics. In general, I was surprised how the awareness of the elements Kolln presents brought to bear on this small excerpt really fairly drastically changed each one.

OLD:
Indeed, Maggie repeatedly identifies this principle as the one motive for her actions. When Steven begins to put on the pressure for marriage, Maggie says to him, “Many things are difficult and dark to me—but I see one thing quite clearly—that I must not, cannot seek my own happiness by sacrificing others” (469). And as the narrative progresses, adherence to this singular principle begins to seem almost absurd. This is perhaps most exemplified in the scene in which Steven and Maggie end up on the boat together. Given her adherence to this principle, it is likely that she allowed herself to get on the boat simply because Steven wanted her to. In fact, when then commence to leave on the boat, Maggie is described as moving as though unconscious, compelled “by this stronger presence that seemed to bear her along without any act of her own will” (484).

NEW:
Maggie, indeed repeatedly, identifies this principle as the singular motive for her actions [moved the metadiscourse signal to emphasize the repetition]. When Stephen begins to put on the pressure for marriage, for example, Maggie says to him, “Many things are difficult and dark to me—but I see one thing quite clearly—that I must not, cannot seek my own happiness by sacrificing others” (469) [added metadiscourse signal to emphasize that this is just one time Maggie says this type of thing]. And as the narrative progresses, adherence to this singular principle begins to seem absurd [no change, but “adherence” is a repetition of “repeatedly”]. This absurdity [known-new contract, clearing up antecedent reference] is perhaps most exemplified in the scene in which Stephen and Maggie end up on the boat alone together, a climatic scene in which the question of Maggie’s will is most on display [tried a kind of parallelism here, repeating “a scene in which”—not sure if this one is effective or not. It may be a bit to wordy and lacking good repetition]. Given Maggie’s adherence to the principle of doing for others, it is likely that she gets on the boat simply because Stephen wants her to. Certainly, she is not asserting her own will; in fact, when they commence to leave on the boat, Maggie is described as moving as though unconscious…[again, by clearing up what “this” referred to, I offered the reader the repetition of the main focus through the paragraph. With the addition of the phrase that begins “Certainly…” I am able to generalize first and then specify with the quotation. Overall I liked the way this Kolln reading made me consider the work each sentence was doing. Focusing on the moves from sentence to sentence gave me a different impression about how cohesive my writing actually is].