Hedging & Proliferating by Ruth

Below is an example of confusing prepositional phrases that are, as Kolln says, “proliferating awkwardly” (153) as well as an example of “hedging” (134).

Old:
1. There is a sense of self-recognition happening in this example that gets at the way in which ideology compels the individual to become subjectified; ideology presents a narrative which seems to mirror the individual’s own inner narrative of their self.

2. While I have not been able to find specific research on this Hebrew tradition, the nature of it as it is depicted by the Wilson’s seems to clearly suggest that the box represents the “value” of the woman’s virginity being passed from her father to her husband who will subsequently “break” her box.

Revision:
1. In this example, ideology compels the individual’s subjectification through self-recognition; the ideological narrative seems to mirror the individual’s narrative of self.

2. As depicted by the Wilsons, this ritual conflates the “value” of the young woman’s virginity with the box. Thus, as the box passes from the woman’s father to her husband, he receives the father’s permission to take the daughter’s value by breaking her box.

Reflection:
1. Here I moved the prepositional phrase to the front of the sentence to change the focus to the action of ideology, rather than self-recognition. This emphasizes the proper actor of the sentence rather than stating the actor-less action first. I toyed with cutting the word “seem” here, thinking it might be an example of a modal auxiliary; however, since I later claim that this mirror image is false, I decided “seem” should stay.
2. In the past, I have had a nervous tick in writing where I included the word “seem” much more than necessary. While Kolln didn’t list “seem” in her modal auxiliaries section, I imagine it would fit in there. I removed the “seem” to make this a stronger, less “hedged” claim. I realized in this example, I didn’t need to state that I hadn’t found research about this actual tradition. I was only interested in speaking about the Wilson’s version of this tradition. While it would have been great if I had been able to find information on the Hebrew tradition, I could not; thus, my focus should have remained only on the Wilson’s claims about this tradition. Instead, this sentence locates the fault for this lack of information solely on me, rather than the Wilson’s possible misrepresentation or creation of this “tradition.”